The Bourne Series of Moments: January 2013

The very beginning

One year ago today Matt and I got the news our hearts were hoping for. It was a crazy journey but we finally were being blessed with the biggest gift of our lives. I started a journal entry telling our tale...it really stirs up a lot of emotions when I read it. The year has gone by in a blink. It has been so fun. Pregnancy was a breeze and the delivery was just as enjoyable. So lucky to say that. Now we have our perfect little Nolan!!!

The last picture of me pregnant...water broke 8 hrs later

No pressure to read it...it's long :)

OPERATION BABY BOURNE
It all started March 2011 with the biggest decision of Matt and I's lilfe...to create a life. For the next 10 months we tracked ovulation, took pregnancy tests, and felt dissapointment month after month. After finding out Matt had normal swimmers we decided to pursue to some tests on me. So on my birthday we went to see an OB/GYN. She orderd a blood test and a hysterosalpinogram (HSG) to check my anatomy. I got through the HSG in december, which was much more uncomfortable that I could have anticipated, and was told by the Radiologist performing the test that my right tube was blocked. He didn't make it seem like a big deal, explaining that with one tube open my GYN doctors would say we were fine to get pregnant on our own. We waited a month after getting this news and decided to meet with the fertility specialists at Seattle Reproductive Medicine in January 2012. So the 3rd of January was our appointment with Dr. Soules and neither Matt nor I were at all prepared to hear what they had to say. They told us that off the HSG I was diagnosed with right "hyrdosalpinx." Which if the diagnosis was correct would mean that Matt and I were destined for In Vitro Fertilization. I immediately felt like we were getting into something neither of us had ever thought would be our reality. I felt like something was wrong with me and that I was an idiot for not knowing what was going on with my body. Dr. Soules was very good with us explaining everything but also making sure we knew that he was working off an assumption that the HSG was correct. He told us he wanted to confirm the diagnosis by reviewing the images himself. So I got the images and we waited a week to go back to see him. In that week Matt and I talked through everything and went through the motions of preparing for a very expensive, not guaranteed route for starting our family. We relied on friends and family for the strength to proceed. EVERYONE was super supportive and we were overwhelmed by that. We even got an offer to help us financially which was so incredibly generous. We made sense of it by focusing on the fact that we had an action plan and at least were moving forward. We felt relieved we weren't going to have to pursure further testing which could take another month. For the month of January Matt and I were no longer obsessed with the baby making process and actually stopped thinking about the timing of ovulation and just carried on with our lives. He left town the weekend I was supposed to ovulate and I didn't even care. I felt like there was no point anymore. We were told that we only had a 5% chance of concieving on our own given my hydrosalpinx. It also meant I was at higher risk for ectopic pregnancy. So Matt got home and we carried on like newlyweds no longer making sex a chore. Pretty much care free about it all. We finally went to our follow up appointment with Dr. Soules and he told us that the images didn't confirm for him the diagnosis. He questioned the quality of the study which was frustrating but he also pointed out some very normal findings that he was seeing. Matt and I were a bit relieved but it left us very confused. He told us that he wanted to pursue the whole run of tests that last an entire monthly cycle. It was good new, bad news. We were happy to hear it wasn't for sure we would need to do IVF but we also were frustrated that we would have to wait another month to find out what was going on. So they sent us home with phone numbers to call when I started my period because everything was time sensitive to my cycle. So...I was due to start on friday 1/20/12. That day came and went and so I just didn't pay attention much to it. I was on call and working that weekend. I went to a birthday party that saturday night had drinks with friends. I was convinced I was going to start the next day. Sunday came and I went into work. I got home in the afternoon and still nothing. I waited for Matt to get home and decided to take a test. I kept telling myself not to get my hopes up. I took one of my tests from the Dollar store and waited the 3-5 mintues they instruct you to wait. It was negative just like all the other test I had taken over the last 11 months. I was very upset and threw it in the garbage. I was confused and sad and just had to let it go. A couple hours later I was using the bathroom and as my hopeful heart often did, I rechecked the test that was in the trash. I couldn't believe it but there was the faintest faintest line that indicates a positive test. I RAN downstairs with Murphy on my heals to the office where Matt was. I showed him and he agreed the line was there but thought I should take another test to make sure. Of course I agreed but I didn't need to go at that moment. So I waited about an hour or so having some water and a small sip of wine to pass the time. I had saved a digital test for when we really suspected I was pregnant and took that. I watched the little hour glass go around and around for what seemed like an hour. Then...there it was...PREGNANT!!! I again ran downstairs to show Matt. We both cried but immediately thought that we shouldn't get too excited just because we were told of my risks for ectopic pregnancy. I was terrified something bad was going to happen and that the pregnancy wasn't going to stick. I very first person I told was Denise. I sent her a picture of the first test to see what she thought. It was pretty sureal to call her back after taking the second test to tell her I was pregnant. I loved hearing myself say it but was also unsure if it was real. I called SRM and my gyn office the next day to tell them about the tests. My gyn told me congrats and they Dr. will see you at 8 weeks. At that point it was about 5 weeks away. I was a little frustrated just because I wante to confirm with blood work or something more definitive. So next I called SRM and they told me that I could come in for blood work that week and that if it was positive they would redraw the blood two days later to confirm it was trending properly. They also told me they would take care of me up until 7 weeks which I was really happy about. For a first time mom the early weeks are the scariest and I felt taken care of. The blood work came back all good. So that Monday after finding out Stace picked me up from work to come over and hang out. I made it the whole car ride with out saying anything but as soon as we got in the house and I saw matt I knew I had to tell her. So I decided to show her a picture of my positive test. I made her close her eyes and I got my phone with the picture. She saw it and was confused, surprised, and then really really excited. It felt really good to tell her and include her in this journey right from the start. I told her she couldn't tell anyone which I knew was going to be hard. I also told Brie and Lauren right away by picture text. They have been there through everything and I felt like I needed my support group close to me. So matt and I decided we would tell my parents the weekend after we found out. Matt was unsure if it was the right time but I knew I couldn't wait any longer. So I was going to make cupcakes but I ruined those so we needed plan B. So Matt got a cake and we decided to write " we are celebrating" on it so it wasn't immediately clear what the message was. We got to my parents and had to wait for my grandparents and TIna and Brian to leave. Luckily it wasn't a long wait. I brought in the cake and they were a little confused and asked what we were celebrating. We told them that Matt had his interview with Amazon and they called him back the next day to tell him they were putting together an offer for him. Oh and..."I am pregnant." It was my whole family there including Ashley's boyfriend Scott. My mom instantly teared up and put her hands in the air repeating "no, no, no." I just said mom, "yes, yes." Ashley was also instantly crying with her hands up over her mouth. My mom gave me a huge hug and wouldn't let go. Ashley came over and joined in on our hug. My dad teared up and Scott came over to shake Matt's hand. Stace was all smiles off to the side and was so relieved she didn't have to keep it a secret anymore. It was a very sweet, emotional moment. At the end of it my dad and matt were forced to hug. It was funny. So I told work people within the next week just because I wasn't sure how I was going to be feeling. And Denise and I could't stop talking about it. She is also pregnant and we are 10 weeks apart. That has been really special. I get to see her at work which has been very comforting. I told grandma on her birthday by writing in the card that her gift wouldn't be here until October. We waited until we were about 8 weeks to tell Matt's family. At that point we had had our 7 wk ultrasound which went well, and we had met with our OB Dr. Robert Levine. We really like him. The Miller's had planned a birthday party for Jason and Marvin and we were all going to be there so it was a perfect time to tell them. Matt wrote a nice message to Marvin about being a grandfather 4 times over, and as he read it he looked right at Matt with tears in his eyes. He was very sweet and read the card aloud and it took a second for people to realize what Matt meant. Julie jumped out of her chair and again said "NO, NO." It went really well. Jason and Danica were very excited for us. Cameron couldn't stop talking about it all night. In fact she still talks about it and calls me to see how things are going. It makes me feel so good to include everyone in this little miracle. I check on our little miracle most days that I work. It is crazy how fast things are changing and growing. I first looked and it was just a fuzz in a black sac with a tiny little flicker. I made Denise scan me and her and I saw the heartbeat together for the first time at 6 weeks. It was the most amazing feeling knowing that it all seemed to be working out. Here I am at 12 weeks having had NO MORNING SICKENESS at all. I am extremely lucky. I have been cursed with a bad cold for the last week but that is about it. I was very tired but feel like I am getting a little bit of my energy back. I am starting to look at my belly wondering when it will start to pop. I can't wait. But mostly I can't wait to find out if we will be having a son or a daughter. My feeling is that it is a boy. No real reason other than me picturing myself with a baby and seeing a boy in my arms. About 3 more week until we can know. I plan on having Denise scan me at about 15 weeks. Matt kissed my belly for the first time today (3/21). I loved it. I just want him to feel the connection to this little bean like I do. I just make it all feel real. And now I do feel like it is real. We really are getting what we want more than anything else in this world. We are finally starting our family.

4/12/12
So I guess a lot happened between week 12-14. I feel like my pants started feeling much tighter. I had to wear the belly band for the first time 4/5/12 at 14 wks. I would say it was me mostly not sucking in anymore and finally feeling like I had a little bump. I love it and want people to notice it. But I also know that there will come a day when I will wish that I was the size I am now so I am just trying to enjoy it. So the BIG day of scanning for the gender came on Monday 4/9/12. I had arranged with my friend Christine in the general lab for Matt and I to come down after I got off work. Stacey and Denise joined us which I loved. We looked and looked and of course the baby was in the same position is had been in for the last couple of weeks completely sitting on its feet near my cervix. Just as I feared we were not able to see anything. So Christine was generous to offer to do an endovaginal scan so we could really see for sure. Even that took some extra efforts of aggrivating the baby with color Doppler but then it was a miracle and the baby bounced enough for us to see HIM. WE ARE HAVING A BOY. I feel so lucky to have found out at 14 wks 5 days. It was super early but there is no doubt we see a penis. I just kept holding Matt's arm and looking at him for his reaction. He was quiet and didn't quite know what to say and neither did I really. It was a moment I had shared with some many other couples and here it was our turn. It was pretty unbelievable. We are really excited. I was happy to find out I may in fact have some motherly instincts. This little boy is going to be ridiculously spoiled. It is already starting. I finally was able to purchase come clothes for our little man. That was crazy too. I have bought plenty of baby clothes but this felt different. It is all for my son. Even thinking about it was a little surreal. Now we have begun the crazy task of picking out a name. I have a feeling Matt and I are going to have a hard time agreeing on a name. I know we will get there ( we have to), but it should be an interesting ride. As should all of this as we face it for the first time together.

5/6/12
I am writing this at 18 wks 4 days. I would have to say the my belly really popped between week 13 and 14. For sure by 15 weeks he was there and there was no hiding him. I actually like looking a little more pregnant considering I havent felt it. At our OB appointment last week I found out I haven't gained any weight. Not even 1 pound. It is hard for me to believe with my growing bust and belly. At this point I alternate between the one pair of maternity jeans I have and leggings. I find them to be way more comfortable. I bought the jeans at a consignment store around 15 wks. I haven't felt him kicking at all yet. They told me it may be closer to 20 weeks since I am a first time mom. I watch him moving all around and kicking on the ultrasound screen but I still don't feel it. It is pretty bazar to watch him move like crazy and not feel it. I have cut way back on my scanning. I would saw I am down to 2 times a week at most. We have our big ultrasound scheduled for this coming wednesday. I am hoping to find out how he is growing and developing given my lack of weight gain. Dr. Levine said there isn't much to worry about at this point. Then he chuckled and told me that I will in fact gain weight...don't worry. We are talking about names a lot lately. So far William is at the top of the list with a recent addition of Micah. Denise and I were looking at names at work and it came up and then Matt text me with the name not knowing at all that Denise and I had been talking about it. It was pretty weird. We both really like Micah and are thinking his middle name could be matthew. I really feel like we are going to have to see the kid first. We have got lots of time to figure it out :) I really don't have a whole lot to document. My pregnancy has been fairly uneventful. I think Matt and I are just liking the fact that I am looking more and more like a pregnant woman. The baby is definetly getting harder to hide. The only time you can hardly tell I am pregnant is when I am at work with my scrub top on. Otherwise I am putting the baby right out there into the world. I can't wait until I can feel him in there. That will be pretty amazing.
6/21/12
Here I am at 25 wks 2 days. I feel him cruising around so much these days. The first time I felt him I was just about 19.5 wks and was sitting on the couch. I wasn’t sure about it until he “flicked” me in the same spot a few times. I starting calling it flicking rather than kicking because kicking seemed to be overstating it a bit. I got to be in Vegas for the end of week 19. We had a great time with mom and my sisters. Pool time was so nice. I was fully rocking the belly in my bikini. It actually felt good to be in the heat. I was hoping he was going to bring me luck at the craps table but it didn’t happen. I have been feeling just fine all this time. I keep hearing that I am in the sweet spot being in my second trimester and I have to agree. I am definitely getting bigger which is bringing with it some discomforts, but otherwise I feel good. Work makes me tired but that isn’t all that new. Oh, the first time Matt could feel baby boy was closer to 20-21 wks. We were at the dinner table. I told him to put his hand on my belly but wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to feel it. But he did get one little flick. He just said, “whoa…I felt that one.” It was really cool. Matt will lightly place his hand on my belly but is totally freaked out to push him around. I keep trying to have him feel different parts of him when he is pressed off to one side or the other but he won’t do it. It is pretty funny. I feel him rolling around, kicking, and punching all the time now. It is hard to be at work concentrating on my scanning when he is moving all over the place. I love it, I just wish I could stop and feel him when he is doing it. I feel like there isnt much to update. I feel extremely lucky that I have had an easy pregnancy so far. I had to watch Denise go through an emergency C-section due to placenta rupture and feel so good about my boring pregnancy. Baby Simone is doing good in the special care unit. She is so sweet and denise is a mess but getting better each day. Simone was born 6/11/12. So we will see when baby bourne comes…I am so so curious to know how it will all play out. And I can’t wait for Matt to meet him. Love you baby boy Bourne!!!